SEEKING: EXISTENTIAL-DATA WRANGLER

SEEKING: EXISTENTIAL-DATA WRANGLER (GRADE 4) 

Do you feel an inexplicable pull toward the impossible? Do you experience a tangible hint of  dread every time you sit down for your morning coffee? Do you sometimes … not? If so, we  want you to join our rapidly expanding team in an undisclosed, non-Euclidean location. 

The Role: 

An Existential-Data Wrangler does not simply manage data. They wrestle with it. If you were  to be lucky enough to obtain this position, through merit or the ability to complete a 4D  Rubik’s Cube in under seven seconds flat, you would be responsible for tracking, sorting, and  interpreting data streams that may, or may not, originate in this bitter reality. Our primary  client is the concept of Thursday, and we would need you to determine its fundamental  frequency and whether statistics prove it has a marketable colour palette. 

Key Responsibilities: 

• Auditing the Inventory of Nothing and ensuring compliance with all key accreditation bodies that may or not be God or God-like entities. 

• Catalogue all thoughts currently being thought by people named Gary between the  hours of 3 a.m. and 3:04 a.m. This will then switch to Sue. 

• Develop predictive models to forecast the exact moment all office printers will gain  sentience and start weeping in the key of C minor. 

• Interface with The Clandestine Archive (without making direct eye contact with The  Archive). PPE will be provided at cost. 

• Ensure the corporate coffee machine, created by Schrödinger’s disembodied thoughts, maintains a perfect state of simultaneous emptiness and fullness.  

Qualifications (Required): 

• A degree (of familiarity) in relation to the giant African land snail (minimum 2:1 hons, or equivalent accrued in mollusc time). 

• Proficiency in at least one dead language that you must use exclusively to  communicate with all colleagues and 49 percent of suppliers.  

• A palpable sense of impending doom, coupled with irrepressible cheerfulness. 

• Must be able to successfully distinguish a lie from a truth that is merely tired. 

• Hold a NietzscheTM approval rating of four or above. But we won’t check. 

Compensation & Benefits: 

• Competitive salary paid in a mixture of local currency, couch coins, and well-wishes (does not include thoughts and prayers; all business gifts/hospitality must be declared then burnt).

• Unlimited vacation days. You may take them, but you may not leave the state of  reality as confirmed during your first week compulsory medical. Please bring a sample (of when you were last afraid of your own disfunction and inability to read social cues). 

• Free supply of lukewarm water and Hobnobs shaped vaguely like your mother’s tears. 

• While lone working is encouraged, a permanent hot desk will be provided, positioned  exactly where the office floor used to be. 

To Apply: Please submit your most recent CV and a short essay (no more than three words) detailing your least favourite texture. If required, we will contact two of your character references to supply a small, unidentifiable object of absolutely no sentimental value or significance to yourself. You can expect to hear back from us sometime last week, so if you are reading this, we are sorry to inform you, you have not been successful. We do hope you find the courage to place yourself elsewhere. Do keep existing.