HOW TO WIN NEXT WEEK’S TRIVIA
Greetings from beyond the pale! It’s your host from Next Week’s Trivia, your one and only friend for life, the one-hit K.O. wonderchild for scythe-swinging everywhere — Death! Whether you’re new to the world of obscure facts or an old hat at our trivia tribulations, here are my top five tips for winning the game:
FOLLOW US ON SOCIAL MEDIA! Not only will this get you an instant five-point markup, but you’ll also get extra hints in the days before the game. When’s the game? Where’s the game? What do I win? Look, kid, we ask the questions around here. To find answers, you’ll have to dig through a slog of poorly written AI advertisements, un-sponsored sponsored posts, and shady selfies just like the rest of us. Somewhere in our timeline is what you seek, and it rhymes with “blick-cait.”
GET COMFY WITH BEING UNCOMFY! You won’t have all the answers, and that’s okay! When you’re unfortunate enough to perceive space-time in only one direction, then it can be difficult to shake the old X- and Y-axis paradigm to start really looking at Z. And also Alpha and Tri-Delta and 65412, if you really want to get your toes wet in total posthumous consciousness. You might experience some temporary side effects, such as headaches, tooth decay, the jitters and the willies, and in extreme cases, self-awareness. On account of the fact that Next Week’s Trivia is always happening next week (and will happen, and will have had happened, all at once — adjust your temporal assumptions, champ) and that it features (and will feature and will have had featured) next next week’s factual anomalies, you’ll need to get really good at shucking the constraints of linear narration in order to understand the questions. If I ask you, for example, when so-and-so died, and you say, “But they haven’t yet!” then you’ve missed the point entirely, and I will reap that so-and-so’s soul just to wave it around your face and say, “Oh yeah? Wanna change your answer now?” And that’s bad for both of us — you, on account of your being responsible for so-and-so’s untimely demise, and me, on account of my making my own trivia question obsolete.
BUILD A TEAM! No one ever said trivia was a one-man sport. Individualism may be in vogue in your pie-slice of life, but the benefits of a well-oiled trivia team far outweigh the arguments over which snacks to order. (Tip 3.5: get the flaming nachos and a pitcher. Everyone’s happy, and then you have a pitcher for when the flames get out of control.) After a few million years of gambling over dice and blackjack and snail races, I’ve found that the team experience really heightens the competition for us all. You get the benefit of your companions’ esoteric knowledge, and I get the benefit of having all my day’s obituary stars already in one place. It’s a win-win!
KNOW YOUR HOST! Sure, everyone gets to know me at some point, but it wouldn’t do you any harm to cozy up to me a little sooner. When you’ve got trivia night as an unfixed constant in the fabric of space-time, knowing your host might give you insight into the kinds of questions you’ll be asked. For example: Am I vindictive? Am I the great equalizer? Am I that slimy thing you saw slinking around the gas station last night, or am I the gentle gardener tending to a macabre crop? Am I more likely to ask you about Next Week’s lotto numbers or Next Week’s scientific breakthrough, that one that helps hold me at bay just a little longer? Knowing me helps you know yourself. If it helps you prepare at all, I am the type of being who is partial to trivia.
HAVE FUN! Win and live another day, or lose and be ferried onto that next misadventure, but no matter what happens, have fun! Look, at the end of the day, a game is a game, and you can delay the inevitable only as long as the jam-side of toast can delay meeting the kitchen floor. You’ve sloughed through my Instagram, you’ve found the gas station wormhole to the bar, you’ve come up with a killer team name — so take it easy! Laugh a little. Order some drinks. Make ill-advised bets with the stranger in the corner (but do NOT look into any of its eyes). Maybe it’s a little trite coming from me, but it’s not about actually winning the game, okay? Sometimes the point is the nachos and the excuse you have to eat them with friends. After all, the destination is always the same, and trivia is always Next Week.
